Your horoscopes

In a word… your future

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Here at the Other Press, we don’t always have tons of space for long, detailed horoscopes that tell you all you need to know for your coming days. Instead, this month, our in-house psychic has used the “random” option on urbandictionary.com, and applied whatever word (unrelated to an unholy sex act) to come up as your horoscope for the month!

IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS THIS MONTH…

“pleb”—a member of a despised social class, a commoner.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

“sticazzi”—Italian slang, in some regions meaning indifference, in others astonishment or stupefaction.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)

“birthday”—you should know this one.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

GEMINI (May 22 – June 22)

“I lost the game”—a game that bugged the shit out of everyone in the late 2000s.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

“twinflame”—like a soulmate, but… not? Defined as the other half of your same soul.

LEO (July – Aug. 23)

“pemo”—pop punk combined with emo rock, clearly an entry from 2010.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

“sober”—a state in which you are not under the influence of any intoxicating substance.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

“railer”—used to describe a bad situation.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

“nevermind”—expression meaning “it doesn’t matter, or wasn’t that important.”

Illustration by Ed Appleby

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

“heartbreak”—well, that’s not a good word to get. Good luck this month!

Illustration by Ed Appleby

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

“déjà vu”—the feeling that the thing you’re experiencing is something you’ve already experienced.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

“déjà vu”—the feeling that the joke you’re experiencing is a joke you’ve already experienced.

Illustration by Ed Appleby

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)

“tits up”—when something has gone terribly wrong. Well, now. That’s about on par with Sagittarius. Good luck this month, too!