Diary of a Zombie Killer

The Other Press
Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy
Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

Burt’s Diary: DO NOT READ!!!

August 31, 2020

When my mother told me that one day I’d be good at something, I never thought that “something” would be killing zombies. If there was a job specifically for killing zombies, I’d be the best in the business. Do you know how many ways you can kill a zombie? Me neither. It’s probably a lot though. I must have killed at least 20 of them just today. One almost got me. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for my right-hand man and friend, Ryan. He’s been with me and my daughter ever since Z-Day. I wonder how Lucy’s doing…

September 1, 2020

I saw a zombie just outside the Wall this morning, eating Doug. It wasn’t moving, which was weird. If I’m not mistaken, I think it was looking at my daughter’s bedroom window. When I looked up at the window, I see that loser that Lucy’s been seeing, Bill. Not many guys to pick from, I guess. Next time I go for a run, I’ll keep an eye out for that one.

September 2, 2020

I saw the pervy zombie again today during our daily scavenge run. It was with two more zombies. I could’ve sworn they looked like its parents. Me and my gang easily snuck up on them and took out the parents. The perv saw me and actually looked like it felt something. I was so surprised by this sudden outburst of emotion, I let it go.

September 3, 2020

Lucy told me that Bill got eaten alive today. I’m not surprised, but I acted like I cared about him, for Lucy’s sake. I asked her to describe the zombie that ate him, so I could personally thank it. Turns out it was the pervy one I was fretting over! It better not eat her.

September 4, 2020

This morning, I saw Lucy pick up the remaining pieces of her ex-boyfriend and put them in a bucket. I don’t need to know, I don’t want to know. She’s always been special, I guess I didn’t know how special she really was. I wonder why she dyed her hair green…

September 5, 2020

Contributor’s note: Burt’s diary was found near the entrance to the Wall. The pages were all torn up and bloody. He will be missed, as well as his daughter.

 

With files from Steven Cayer

Related Posts

Time terrors

The life of a post-secondary student is filled with planning and deadlines, sacrifices, and compromise. As we approach the end of the semester, the pressures of school, work, and life start making stacks on stacks on stacks—of stress.

Students protest lack of inclusion for non-puppy lovers

Every semester, Douglas College introduces a “puppy room” during finals as a way to curb stress levels built up during final exams. Students are invited to play with puppies from a local animal shelter as a way to unwind—but not everyone is happy about the arrangements.