The great social media crisis

The biggest threat to social security

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Millions of users were impacted this past week as social media worldwide underwent the greatest invasion of our time.

Parents flooded into websites like Twitter, Instagram, and even Tumblr. How they managed to understand the basic sign-in page is still undetermined, though we are getting word that the reason for this migration is clear.

Grandparents, previously content with sending handwritten letters or the occasional fax, have broken onto the Facebook scene and ousted those who once ruled there.

We talked to #AverageDad Bill Williams about what happened and how he is coping.

“I don’t know how, but my mom started using Facebook. It’s so dumb! She’s commenting on all my stuff. All my golf buddies can see this stuff, it’s embarrassing.”

Unfortunately for Bill’s daughter Jenna, Bill and all his golf buddies have moved their discussion and daily thoughts onto twitter.

Twitter feeds have been flooded by nothing but @ conversations, ThingsWhiteFolksLike retweets, and tweets with an evident misunderstanding of the 140 character limit.

“It’s not so bad right now,” Jenna said, “but I don’t know how much longer I can go without accepting his follow request. He threatened to take away the Wi-Fi!”

Along with this added pressure, the necessity of having a private Twitter account has severely bummed Jenna out: “I used to get like two or even three retweets every tweet. Now I can’t get any. What’s even the point anymore if I can’t gain fake admiration from strangers on the Internet!”

Jenna and her friends have since decided to make a social migration of their own, resurrecting their old Nexopia accounts. The humiliation of having their friends see the things they posted in grade seven is apparently worth being free from online parental supervision.

Meanwhile, Jenna’s grandma Viona had successfully logged into her Facebook account, although she accidentally posted her password “Ilovemycatmittens” onto her Facebook page.

Online Facebook Bingo is seeing a humongous rise in popularity, though it comes at the cost of all of our dads’ Farmville Farms, which lie dying and desolate.