Here’s what to look out for
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Processed meats. A recent scientific study has revealed that processed meats (crispy bacon, salty sausages, the slices of ham in that sandwich you had at lunch) have a proven association with the risk of cancer. It is recommended to avoid these delicious foods at all costs.
Stars. Ever go out with a loved one and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes, and up into the heavens? Well, you shouldn’t. Ever. It has been scientifically proven with evidence of the scientific variety that starlight can give you cancer, and also severely increase the risk of pregnancy.
Sunlight. Science here again. Remember how we said you shouldn’t go out under the starlight? Yeah, probably shouldn’t go out in the daylight either. That giant ball of fire in the sky might as well just be a big ball of cancer. If you do wander outdoors while it is light out, it is recommended to stay under a sun umbrella, and to also lather yourself with double coats of SPF 100 sunscreen. Can never be too safe.
Living. 100 per cent of cancer patients have contracted the disease while being alive. While it is not recommended to cease living in the hopes of avoiding cancer, we urge you all to live just a little bit less. No more rollercoasters, spontaneous declarations of love, or dancing in the rain (rain could also probably give you cancer).
Water that’s left in a plastic water bottle for too long in the sun. You ever wonder what that weird taste is? You guessed it. Cancer again.
Breathing. Think of all those horrible, teeny-tiny things floating around in the air you’re breathing! Febreze can only tackle 99.9 per cent of all airborne microorganisms. Guess what that 0.1 per cent is? We suggest walking around with one of those surgical mask things at all times (Alternatively, you can make one at home with nothing but a Downy dryer sheet and some elastic bands).
Smoking. Well, this one’s obvious. Burning one end of a stick of chemicals and inhaling the smoke from the other end? Not to mention you are both breathing and living at the very same time. Triple threat. But it does look pretty cool. So, just in moderation, all right?
Worrying. Worrying about having cancer is the number one cause of cancer, according to totally real scientific evidence. Spending every day of your life making decisions about what you’re going to eat or do or be based on scary things you read in newspapers will give you anxiety, which leads to stress, which, believe it or not, can lead to cancer. So, just don’t sweat it, all right? Have that piece of bacon, or three. Soak up the sun. Breathe all the time, if you’re so inclined! Go gaze at some stars with a lover, and allow yourselves to forget about what may or may not befall you in the future.