Vancouver says no

Entire city votes against change

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

In a recent city-wide vote, Vancouver has once again voted no to any sort of change taking place in our city.

All eligible Vancouverites were sent a mail in ballot over the past few months, with the option to circle either YES or NO, and send back to the city’s municipal government. Of the staggering 92 per cent of eligible voters that responded, a strong 80 per cent voted no.

What exactly they were voting no to is still to be determined, but many people from both sides of the debate are furious. We spoke to Charles Brips, a dedicated advocate on the no side and a self-proclaimed keyboard warrior. “We don’t need any sort of change around here,” said Brips. “The city is always trying to improve one thing or another, using our tax dollars to fund useless projects. I’ve had enough of it!”

Brips explained how he had personally led the—online—charge during the heated transit referendum, and is planning an all out assault on those who believe the deconstruction of the viaducts is in the city’s best interest. When asked what he had against voting yes in the recent survey, Brips said: “It was a trick. Just a piece of paper with a yes or no on it? What the hell is that? I probably would have been accidentally signing my house away to some wealthy business man in mainland China or something. You can never trust this city to do anything right, so you never give them the chance.”

Jess Runette, a resident of downtown Vancouver, also voted no in the latest mail-out vote. “I just didn’t get it. Like, why were they asking me, of all people? I didn’t want that kind of responsibility. Things that I don’t understand scare me, and it’s always just safer to say no, right?” While Runette did indeed circle the no on her ballot, she was unable to figure out how to mail it back to the city, and still had it in her kitchen.

Greg Piper, a psychology professor from the University of British Columbia, explained the reasoning behind the recent mail in ballot: “It wasn’t a vote on anything. Let me rephrase that, it wasn’t a vote for any sort of change. If anything, it was a vote to see the general leanings of Vancouver. No one ever seems to want to vote yes, because no one wants any sort of responsibility, no matter how miniscule. A small tax hike, a bit more traffic due to construction for a year or two—Vancouverites can just never seem to handle it.”

Either way, it appears clear that Vancouverites will continue to see their transit system half as productive, their electoral ballots half as important, and their glasses half empty.