Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Now would be a good time to pitch that brilliant new idea to your boss. You better do it in the morning, however, because a house will fly right into your workplace in the afternoon.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
When you get good vibrations, be sure to invite others to feel the vibration. It really is such a pleasing sensation, so sayeth the great philosopher Marky Mark.
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
You need to open yourself up to new possibilities. Your house always needed a makeover and with the kitchen vaporized due to some… sun, there’s no time like the present!
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
The future holds many exciting things for you! For example, did you know that you’ll soon be flying to Berlin to stand on trial for first-degree murder?
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
You’re feeling pretty conservative today. I suppose one would be, after seeing that naked chocolate twister orgy on your front lawn.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
Today, your point of view will be shifted to second person. Did I mention that you are now in a Choose Your Own Adventure book? Let’s hope you make it to the good ending.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Your financial situation is in need of immediate attention after last night’s drunken eBay purchases. Remember that you can always sell yourself for rent money. Have a good hangover!
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
You need help being patient. Why don’t you become a fan of Dr.Dre? His Detox album is scheduled to come out a decade from now. Have fun waiting.
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
You have way too many Beanie Babies. Why don’t you just give then to Goodwill? The chances of them making a comeback are slimmer than Ty Inc.’s current profit margins.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Your romantic partner has a list of complaints about you. First of all, you never fetch them a newspaper and matching drink when they get home. By the way, at some point you time travelled to the 1960s.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Conflicting ideas are causing stress everywhere you go. The companies want to build a shopping mall on top of a neighbouring duck pond, but the suburbanites want to save the duck pond for the suburban heritage. Which side will you take?
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
An idea is like a revolutionary invention. You make that idea happen and a bunch of other people will come by to claim that they thought of it first.
With files from Livia Turnbull