Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
There seems to be a slight electricity problem with your house. It appears that your neighbor has found a way to steal your power. You might want to call a professional to help cut them off, as doing it on your own could lead to some very bad things.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
An unsettling letter will arrive soon: your credit card bill for December. Looking back, I guess you really didn’t need two dozen flamethrowers after all.
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Your computer will suddenly die right before your eyes and you won’t have enough money to buy a new one for a few months. The question is: can you survive without porn until then?
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
Today, your cellphone won’t stop ringing loudly and the off button is broken…for some reason. You have a class with a professor who hates cellphones and you didn’t get a locker. Good luck.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
You’ll run into some unexpected traffic today when a major highway is blocked by a whole pile of dead fish. Look, I needed to clean out my fish tank and this was the only way I could get rid of them!
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
Today you and your partner will get into an argument over the cost of a new Kobo Arc. Meanwhile, you still haven’t bought your books yet and none of them are available in eBook form.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Today you will get into a fight with a homeless man over which is better: toast or bread. You will both be kicked off the bus and will continue your argument all over town.
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
Planning to go on a vacation is a very unwise decision in the middle of the semester. But if you insist, how about going to Alaska?
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
You will have a dream about having to drive a bus in the middle of a lake. The dream will end with you going to a library, where you will be greeted by talking ducks. This is all very unsettling.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
The caffeine hasn’t worn off yet and you’re still buzzing around like a hummingbird. Who would have thought that just by taking an Advil with coffee that you’d already be busy working on next year’s Christmas cards.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Today you will find yourself having to run to several stores to stock up on notebooks. It seems that the bookstore has run out of notebooks and you can’t find more than one anywhere else.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
You need some good sense today because your friend is going through some tough times with his or her partner and is unable to think clearly. You should propose that you both hang out at a nightclub to help relieve the emotional stress.
With files from Livia Turnbull
