Update on the new Cold War

We’re probably all going to die

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Back in January, the Other Press reported on the first week of the new Cold War, and found that things seemed to be going relatively okay. However, things have rapidly gone downhill since then, and an entirely new verdict is in.

“We’re definitely fucked,” said local shopkeeper and first Cold War veteran Sol Serviver.

Since the Other Press’s last report on the matter, the new White House administration—under the guidance of a fascist orange toddler and his flying howler monkeys of bigotry—have been systematically destroying every check and balance set in their path preventing nuclear annihilation.

“If you can imagine a rolling snowball of horseshit and terror gaining speed, size, and momentum, plummeting down a mountainside towards that big red button everyone talks about, while the judicial system and the few politicians whose spines are still intact keep throwing themselves in front of it to slow it down, that’s kind of where we’re at right now,” continued Serviver. The Other Press caught up with the veteran as he stocked the pantry of his new fallout shelter, a product of the newly-prosperous Bomb Shelters R Us store. “Meanwhile, there’s so many fucking strings attached to it—like, if Trump made a deal with Russia that he can’t deliver on because his lackeys keep getting fired for being in bed with Russia, sometimes literally, we’re fucked. If North Korea keeps up with the shit they’re pulling right now and Trump keeps ignoring them and provoking them by turns, we’re fucked. If America tears itself apart due to civil war breaking out—actually, that’s sort of a best-case scenario to be honest. But still, someone’s going to be at that red button eventually, and we’re still fucked. That’s not even touching the bogeyman in the closet that’s Daesh…”

The Other Press found Douglas students Katja Scavenger and Ian Crimson once again for their thoughts on the matter.

“I think I’m too emotionally and mentally worn out to care too much at this point,” said Scavenger. “I mean, for one thing, I’ve got finals coming up so it already feels like the end of the world. But I think there’s a reason why our generation is kind of renowned for fatalistic humour and general nihilism. We know it’s more of a case of ‘when’ than ‘if,’ you know? No point breaking our brains over it. Hey, do you happen to know anything about enumerative induction, by chance?”

“I think I remember saying that things weren’t super dark last time we spoke? Yeah, screw that, it’s all looking pretty damn bleak right now,” said Crimson. “I don’t know; I try to stay optimistic. Like, hopefully Canada makes it through the whole ‘nuclear annihilation’ thing, but I’ve got my bomb shelter ready either way.”