How to survive the new semester

Overcoming COVID and Bear Grylls at the same time
By Sonam Kaloti, Arts Editor

Totoro and Hello Kitty mock you as they grin on notebooks you know you’ll want to burn in 2 weeks’ time.

School sucks right now and nothing feels worth it. It’s difficult and hard to stay focused and even harder to pretend you care about the four I’s of service marketing when every small business around you is shutting down.

Here are some school hacks that might help make this next semester just a little bit more survivable.

Close your eyes

It’s as simple as that. Pretend your internet died and you are a mere image—timelessly captured in peaceful elegance. By that I mean go to sleep. It’s all the better if you don’t need to be on video but heed this word of warning: don’t fall asleep before attendance is taken.

Purchase new stationary

Because nothing says new semester like buying pens for online schooling (oh, the irony) and $50 down the drain. Totoro and Hello Kitty mock you as they grin on notebooks you know you’ll want to burn in 2 weeks’ time. At least you’ll look cute (too bad nobody can see).

Drink water

It’s survival after all. Say you don’t have water—you must go outdoors and wrestle the animals for a nice plot of soil. Take a clean cloth (or whichever you have) and dig up some mud into this cloth and wring out the water. If this is the best you can do with your current state, use it—at least you’ll survive.

Know the jungle

There is you, and there is the competition. There are no such things as “friends,” this is post-secondary school. These students will rip you to shreds if you let them. Know your strengths and play them to your advantage, and if the world tries to make you perform at a disadvantage, flip the situation so you’re always on top. It is fun being king.

Zoom chat

The art of passive aggressive Zoom call chat commenting is delicate but necessary to get through the next four months with brain-dead peers, or worse, the overly excitable ones. Everyone sucks and you must get your frustrations out, but you don’t want to get caught being the asshole—so strap in—it’s mocking time.

Master the smile and nod

There are only two physical actions you need throughout the entirety of your Zoom class: smiling and nodding. “Can you guys hear me?” Smile and nod. “You guys still with me?” Smile and nod. “Do you want to sell me your soul?” Smile and nod. “Should we move to the next chapter?” Smile and nod.

There are so many ways to make the semester survivable. If you can’t figure out a good reason for you then…well then quit. What’s the point if you’re not doing it for yourself? School sucks right now, so you may as well have a good reason to want to be there, and if that’s not enough motivation to survive, I hope these tips add an extra nudge.