By Livia Turnbull, Humour Editor
Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
A rafflesia plant can fill your home with the smells characteristic of a serial killer. The neighbours might be concerned and call the police. Don’t worry, you’ll only have to stay one night in jail.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
Your dreams are trying to tell you that you haven’t been studying hard enough for your exams. In order to get perfect marks, you need to sacrifice a chicken.
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Confront your troubles head on. Burn down your place of work so you’ll be free for the holidays.
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
Living well may be the best revenge, but identity theft is even better. After all, it was your partner’s fault that he trusted you with his PIN.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
Forget about the big exams that you have tomorrow. Instead go out and get drunk Lil Wayne style. A hangover will improve your clarity.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
Being in tune with other people’s feelings will give you a peptic ulcer from all the extra stress radiating from your friends.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
What’s this? Winter break has been delayed until February! Hmm… It seems that the man wants you to work even harder for your freedom.
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
I have bad news for you: you will always have to work until you meet someone rich or die. Living your dream is impossible in today’s world. You will have to settle for mediocrity.
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
The outside world is no place for dreamers like you. Instead, live inside a crummy apartment and be alone with your thoughts forever.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Uh-oh! It seems like your credit card got maxed out again. You know what to do now. Time to flee the country.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Your body is telling you to eat nothing but Big Macs for the rest of your life to raise awareness for obesity. I suppose what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
Laurels? You don’t get any laurels to rest on! Your job is to work without my spiritual guidance for the rest of your natural life.