‘It’s the only way to numb the pain’
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
As we near the inauguration of America’s first orange president, liquor stores across the continent—indeed, across the globe—are reporting record sales of every kind of alcohol.
“I mean, usually sales taper off in January after all the New Year’s hubbub is over,” said liquor store owner Timothy Goldschlagger in an interview with the Other Press on Tuesday. “Not this year. If anything, they’re picking up. People are coming through daily—hell, we’re almost out of some of the cheaper brands of vodka and whiskey. My customers are saying it’s the only way to numb the pain.”
The phenomenon, according to some social scientists, is very easy to explain.
“Put bluntly, everyone’s fucking terrified,” said Dr. Janice Smirnoff, who teaches at James Morgan College in North Vancouver. “Have you been listening to the news? He actually called for a global arms race. Like, he asked for it. He wants it to happen. Did he just forget the Cold War? Did he sleep through it? What the hell is this world coming to?”
(Dr. Smirnoff paused partway through the interview to pull a mickey of Fireball from her purse, and tossed back several shots straight-up, no chase.)
“Yeah, I pretty much threw in the towel sobriety-wise when Pissgate happened,” said one American refugee outside a liquor store on Saturday. “I mean, sure it’s all unverified, but… fuck, I really wouldn’t be surprised, is the thing. And the fact that I wouldn’t be surprised if it were true scares the shit out of me. It’s not right. The CIA has confirmed, fully, that Russia hacked the election. In a political thriller, this would be where the bad guy goes to jail and a re-election is held and we all live happily ever after. Instead we’re like, debating to what degree Russia hacked it, and if it even matters all that much in the end, and—”
(The American refugee paused partway through the interview to pull a mickey of absinthe from his backpack, and tossed back several shots straight-up, no chase.)
(The man was then asked where he found the absinthe by the Other Press reporter. For journalism reasons.)
(The reporter now has a mickey of absinthe in their purse, and they are not planning on sharing.)
“It sucks for the world, for sure,” said Goldschlagger, as he pulled out his own flask of whiskey and tossed a few back (straight-up, no chase). “Like, it really sucks for the world. There’s no doubt about it. We’re all kind of fucked. But in the meantime, it’s great business for us. People are stocking up like they’re preparing for the end times—which I guess we all kind of are—and I think it’s a great idea. Alcohol will be great for bartering after the collapse of our current financial system. I know one guy who bought, like, 15 24-packs of Wildcat. He’s going places, for sure. He’s probably going to be our next premier when British Columbia secedes from the rest of Canada and we devolve into tribal factions hungry for each other’s blood. It’s all about the resources.”