Government offices flooded in complaints
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
The following are samples of mailed-in complaints written by residents of British Columbia during the summer of 2015.
Dear Sir or Madam,
R u serious? I can’t water my lawn when I want to? I do not have the FREEDOM to water my lawn when I want to? Last time I checked, we were in CANADA, not North Korea or Japan or wherever! I AM OUTRAGED, JUST LOOK HOW UPPERCASE MY LETTERS ARE RIGHT NOW. I will NOT allow my lawn to turn brown, and have that asshole Bill across the street scoff at me. Some neighbourly disputes are just too big for the conservation of our nations most valuable resource. So I’m going to keep watering my beautiful lawn, arrest me if you have to! I wont go down without a fight!
– Bill, from across the street.
(Seriously, come arrest me. I’ll probably be hanging out on my really nice back porch that I never invite my neighbours to even though they just want to be friends with me. )
Hey Steven Harper. Listen. I get that we need to save water, that’s chill. We gotta drink that stuff. Use it to make beer. I hear ya. All Im askin is that we help a brutha out here. I need a few gallons for my pool, got some ladies comin by if yaknomIsayin? Might even extend you the invite if it’s delivered quick. Gimme a shout back on email, Stevo.
To whomever it may concern:
I write to you now from my mansion in the West End. I am immensely concerned about the recent water regulations and the … inclusivity of those restricted. Surely there must have been a mistake somewhere in the process, wrongly restricting those of us of privilege along with the … less fortunate of British Columbia. I understand the need to conserve water and am more than willing to negotiate appropriate alternative means of compensation. Perhaps we could work something out to get my three-tiered crystal fountain running again: the front meadow looks rather drab without it running day and night, and our personal golf course could use some colour—it is getting a bit brown around the edges.
Surely something could be worked out to increase the restrictions on the common folk of British Columbia to let those of class enjoy the luxuries rightly owed to us?
– Expecting a prompt response,
The Lady Loraine
Yeah, there’s a bit of a loophole in this whole water restriction business. I’m all for it, we need to conserve, in this day and age more than ever. What troubles me is that, while watering your lawn is restricted to certain hours of the day, running sprinklers for the entertainment purposes of children is allowed. And I get it, let the kids play and all, but the weird guy across my street must have found out about it. For the past few hours he’s been fully nude, jumping through his lawn sprinklers and yelling about someone named Bill? I think that’s my next door neighbour, but I can’t be sure. Anyways, if you could add something to the restrictions to make that illegal, or just send a police car, that would be great. Whatever is easiest for you.
Please do it quick though.
– Traumatized Student