BREAKING: Lottery scandal unveiled


Millions in rage after truth told

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Riots and protests erupted late last Monday night after Lotto Max founder Chris Evans revealed a shocking secret on his deathbed.

Evans had been terminally ill for months leading up to last Monday, and when it seemed the doctors could do nothing more to keep him alive, Evans demanded to be broadcast all across the country as his last wish.

News and radio stations across the United States tuned in for the 30 seconds of airtime, while others viewed it by a live stream on YouTube. Here is an exact transcription of the man’s last words:

“Hello, all. My name is Chris Evans, and I am the founder of the largest lottery in the world. I have a secret I would like to reveal to you all, as my last words in this life… No one ever actually wins the lottery.” Evans said, and the country immediately erupted in shock.

7-11s were raided; their lottery machines, torched in the parking lots. Lotto kiosks at malls were destroyed by the hands of those who were once customers. Amid all the destruction, very few were aware that Evans had not actually finished his speech.

“…Instead,” Evans said over the televisions, radios, and computer screens everywhere, “the bulk of the money that was paid by you fine people, mostly just $5 a week, has been going directly and completely to charitable organizations across the world. Each and every one of you has unknowingly contributed to the goodwill of our entire planet, and I think that that is the greatest prize of them all.” The broadcast ended, Chris Evans died at 95 years old, and the mobs grew larger.

“I was going to buy a helicopter!” shouted one angry charity-giver, with a bandana tied around his face and a Molotov cocktail in his hand. “I would have gotten so much ass if I had that helicopter!”

“This is an absolute travesty,” said charitable Good Samaritan Alexis Chan. “I did not spend all those dollars to help out needy and starving children halfway across the world! I spent that money because I wanted to be filthy rich and not have to work another day in my life! I’ve been stolen from, robbed!”

Meanwhile, charity organizations in third world countries were just getting the news that their funding was being cut: “Oh well,” said small and malnourished Abayomi Fofana. “We will make do with what we have.”