Breakups for Dummies?

Illustration by Ed Appleby
Illustration by Ed Appleby

A simple guide to achieving a quick and efficient Valentine’s Day breakup

By Chitwan Khosla, Features Editor

Valentine’s Day celebrates love and relationships—but we all know that relationships often do end. So, in the same way that you can express love on V-Day, you definitely can announce a breakup too. In fact, as soon as you get in a relationship you should start keeping a list of potential reasons to break up to be on the safe side. Did you forget to keep a list? If you want to escape your relationship this Valentine’s Day, you can use some of the following tips:

To Break Up with a Guy

  • Ask him about his day. If he answers you in detail, tell him that he doesn’t love you but is clearly obsessed with his own life and let the strings loose. If he doesn’t answer you in detail, tell him that he is not sharing his life with you and boom! Breakup successful.
  • Ask him the name of your best friend’s aunt’s cat. If he doesn’t know, he doesn’t care about your life and the people you value. It’s over!
  • Go on a dinner date, and ask him to order what you like. Whatever he orders, say that you don’t like it. Again, he is a loser. Let him go.
  • Tell him he needs a penile enlargement. This strategy never fails!

To Break Up with a Girl

  • Don’t compliment or talk to her on your dinner date. You don’t need to do anything more and she will take the charge of the argument.
  • Tell her that you have a serious STD that you forgot about.
  • Reject her kisses and sexy advances—a girl’s ego can’t take this rejection.
  • Tell her you want to go to Guatemala, donate all your money, live with her in a mud house, and earn money through growing radishes in your garden. Unless she’s really into gardening, she will run away!