Canada prepares to accept American refugees

Come November, streets likely to be flooded with exotic southerners

By Rebecca Peterson, Staff Writer

As the political climate in the United States of America becomes fraught with uncertainty and danger, communities across Canada are preparing to welcome an influx of American refugees this fall.

Currently, these disenfranchised peoples from the south face the very real possibility of a complete democratic collapse, and are looking for shelter amidst the open and welcome arms of the First World.

“Well, I’ve just got to wonder how they’ll fit in here,” said community worker Frances Delaware as she prepared a recreation centre with sleeping bags and food rations to welcome the fleeing Americans. “The world they come from is so unimaginably primitive—no universal health care, everyone’s got a weapon, and apparently even with the threat of a Dorito-faced Mussolini as a presidential nominee, their biggest worry is which washroom a transgender person uses? I just don’t know how they’ll adjust.”

Meanwhile, there have been protests and large pushbacks against the welcoming of American refugees.

“They’re just here to steal our jobs, at the very least,” said protestor Caribou Jack, “but you gotta look at the values they’re bringing over the border, too. I’m sure there are peaceful Americans out there, but at its core, America is a violent country. You know, they’re killing each other down there. What’s to say they won’t do the same up here?”

It’s true that Canadian values differ largely from those in the south. Written into America’s very constitution is an amendment encouraging Americans to take up arms against each other, something many Americans seem incredibly keen to protect. Even while mass shootings become a near-daily occurrence in the United States, their politicians seem reluctant to put any kind of restrictions on access to weaponry. Protestors this side of the border cite lax security measures on the part of the Canadian government as a danger to all Canadians.

One refugee from America, however, sees their people very differently.

“We’re not all like that, you know,” said John Smith, eyeing the lines of protestors at the border nervously. “In fact, most of us aren’t. A lot of us want better gun control, and don’t want Donald ‘Good people don’t go into government’ Drumpf as our president. You can’t boil an entire society down to our worst and most violent members.”

Whatever the feelings of the Canadian people on the matter, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has promised to receive at least 10,000 American refugees in just a few months. Hopefully our country will be ready.