Many claim that the first decade of their life has been distorted
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
In what many claim to be the single most damning thing to have happened to their childhood selves since discovering the truth about Santa Claus, fully grown adults are filing lawsuits against the makers of the Ghostbusters reboot for stealing away their childhoods.
The controversial remake that released mid-July had been plagued with ill favour from its initial conception. Many fans of the original 1984 film touted their disapproval of the female-driven remake by stating that the new movie would “ruin their childhoods” in the months leading up to the film’s release.
Most saw this as merely an exaggeration made by a small group of men being overly concerned about the sexual organs of those who would be busting ghosts. Little did the public know of the very real repercussions that the remake would have on those who watched the summer thriller.
“I could feel it as I sat in the theater,” said one movie-goer, Andrew Hopkins. “Distant memories of my life, falling into shadow. Only darkness remains, only anger and fear.” Hopkins’ eyes were red, and his voice seemed hollow.
Not even those who avoided watching the new release were free from its evil spell, as reports are spilling in of childhoods being distorted in the minds of thousands across America.
“We were warned, and we did nothing,” said Justin Cheeny, a 35-year-old car salesman who loved the original Ghostbusters movie as a child. “The men who whined on the Internet, they were right about all of this. They tried to warn us about what would happen when a movie dared to feature funny female leads in an already established franchise, and we didn’t listen… we didn’t listen!”
Cheeny states that on the day of the Ghostbusters release, July 14, he had been looking through some of his old photo albums. “I wanted to make sure it was all still there, because the memories were gone… I couldn’t believe it.” Cheeny found that in every photo he had of himself as a child, his eyes had been blacked out, as if burned from the photographs.
“I called my mom and she said the same had happened to the pictures she had as well,” Cheeny explained. “I was also fading away, as if the life I once lived was being erased.”
While it is clear that only fragile male adult fans of the original Ghostbusters movie are being affected by this strong force of evil, only time will tell if their childhoods will ever recover, or if they have been destroyed completely by fictional ghosts being busted by a group of empowered women.