Police and government response sub-par at best
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
A group of wily, red-blooded Canadian boys have recently taken over a cabin in the northern reaches of British Columbia. They call themselves The Militia, and have raised a small semblance of alarm in the provincial government and local police force.
The Militia commandeered the lake side cabin late Tuesday night, and they have been holed up there ever since. Local police chief Gene Buxburry spoke to the community about this situation. “Now this is no cause for alarm,” Buxburry said during a press conference. “We have the situation under control. Of course there will be government action against these men, as they have acted immaturely and irrationally, and they will meet the full weight of justice.”
It is evident that The Militia came equipped with weapons, though Buxburry addressed the danger associated with such firepower. “We have been alerted that the men in the cabin arrived armed with multiple wooden staffs, a dangerous and potentially deadly weapon—especially here in Canada, where hardly anyone has any guns in their houses with which to defend themselves. To make matters worse, these wooden staffs have a slight curve at the end, and we hear the young men have been practicing launching rubber projectiles at each other on the frozen lake.”
The men in question appear proud of their status as Militia, and have even gone so far as to wear sweaters with the word “MILITIA” across the front and their last names and a number on their backs. What these numbers signify, no one is yet certain, though many media outlets are agreeing that had these men not been white, the numbers could have been gang or even terrorist related.
Buxburry and his elite team of constables made their move Thursday night, knocking sternly yet still kind of politely on the door of the Militia’s cabin. They were invited inside to enjoy a few Molson Canadians and watch the latest hockey game, and there has yet to be a casualty. The Militia, who claim to be a “team” from Merritt, agreed to keep the noise down, and not to harm anyone while they “practice” with their weapons on the frozen lake.
“It was well-handled,” Buxburry said after the confrontation. “I mean sure, everyone knew they weren’t actually going to DO anything, but a group of young men acting out like that—especially with weapons—always need to be addressed and confronted by authority. It would just be a failure of the system not to.”