Crime Report: Cereal mascot chase ends in devastation

Illustration by Ed Appleby
Illustration by Ed Appleby

Trix Rabbit brutally beaten, Toucan Sam still missing

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

In recent news this week, various cereal brand mascots have met their fate at the hands of those they were fleeing.

The Trix Rabbit was finally apprehended by a gang of 10 year olds, after he legally purchased Trix brand cereal from a local Walmart. The gang cornered the Trix Rabbit at his burrow between two elm trees, flushed him out with poisonous gas, and stole the cereal from the hands of his baby bunnies.

“It had to be done,” said gang member Jimmy Walder. “Trix are for kids. And not rabbit kids, neither. Human kids. Let this be a warning to all you other animals out there trying to get at our cereal. You. Will. Not. Prevail.” Jimmy and his gang took the Trix cereal over to his mother’s house, where she cleaned the blood off the boys and provided them with two per cent milk, bowls, and spoons.

A similar case arose down south, where Toucan Sam was caught on surveillance tape crushing up and snorting Fruit Loops in the back aisle of a convenience store. Sam then looted the store for all its Fruit Loops, and took off in a sky blue Winnebago, heading south. Local authorities are urging anyone with information on the suspect to come forward, as he is believed to be addicted and dangerous.

In Ireland, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun is still at large, though efforts to subdue and capture the little sprite have increased two-fold.

“We’re going to get that gingery little minx,” said Karl Macnelly, leader of hate group KILL (Kids Irritated and Loathing Leprechauns). “For too long has he stolen from us. Too long has he left our cupboards empty, stolen the marshmallows from our Lucky Charms, or led us on a merry chase before using his black magic to disappear. Not this time.”

Macnelly vowed to bring the leprechaun’s reign of terror to an end by the latter half of the month, and has some ingenious traps at work to succeed in his goal. “Think Saw contraptions, combined with The Hunger Games arenas, combined with that scene from Indiana Jones with the boulder. We’ve got poisoned Charms scattered around the area, snipers in the trees, snares, and hidden pits with wooden spikes. Now all we have left to do is wait.”

Meanwhile, Frosted Flakes Mascot Tony the Tiger has come out with an official plea to stop the discrimination against his fellow mascots. “They’re great!” he said, presumably speaking of his friends. “They’re not great!” he said shortly after, addressing, assumedly, the children waging this bloody—and one sided—war.