Cover letters are hard

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By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

RE: Really great job opportunity

Dear Ms. Serafini,

I am writing to enquire if you have any vacancies in your company. I was referred to you by Eric Wilkins, and I believe that I am an excellent candidate to fill any positions that you might presently have to fill. I enclose my resumé for your information. I am very confident and excited in this opportunity.

As my resumé shows you, I have a diverse milieu of work experience, ranging from retail to administrative to somatic engagement work. I was also a culinary conveyance operative for several years. It is because of this complex experience that I know that I can serve your company well.

Well, I mean, if we’re being honest, I can probably serve your company reasonably well. What I was saying earlier about my work experience is totally mostly true. Basically, I had a lemonade stand when I was a kid, and I take pretty good notes in class, and I lift weights. Oh, and I worked as a server for about a week. So, that’s experience, right?

One thing I am actually very confident about is my ability to seamlessly work well both as an individual and as part of a team. You can count on me for that.

I mean, don’t count on me count on me though. Because a lot of my teamwork skills have a lot to do with how much I like my coworkers. I generally don’t like working with other women, and I also don’t like working with men. So as long as I’m not working with any other humans, I will be great at teamwork.

I am also super conscientious and pay a lot of attentin to detale. You can ask any of my references (attached).

Well, maybe don’t actually call those references. There’s some drama there that you probably don’t want to get in to. Just take my word for it.

Oh goodness, why would you take my word for anything? Again, if I’m being honest, I’m a bit of a compulsive liar.

In sum, I would love to discuss the possibility of my future employment with your company. Or not. Whatever.

This is it,