Canucks win cup

Illustration by Ed Appleby
Illustration by Ed Appleby

Entire city of Vancouver shaken to its foundation

By Chandler Walter, Distribution Manager

In breaking news today, the Vancouver Canucks, for the first time in the clubā€™s existence, have won the Stanley Cup playoffs!

In an intriguing and unprecedented game seven against the Ottawa Senators, Henrik Sedin scored the game winner in a record-setting seventh overtime.

Henrik, renowned for his shoot-first pass-second philosophy, snapshotted the cup-winning tally past Senatorsā€™ goalie Andrew Hammond point blankā€”even with his brother Daniel wide open at the other side of the net calling for the pass.

Stranger still, it seems that at the very moment the puck went across that line and the red goal light was set ablaze, a “chain reaction” of events began in the city of Vancouver.

Within minutes a bleak and rainy day cleared to bright and blue, and meteorologists citywide are predicting sunny skies for the remainder of spring.

Farmers and petting zoo owners alike became outraged as their pigs sprouted pink, scaly wings and took flight above the city.

The real estate market of Vancouverā€”once deemed the priciest in all of Canadaā€”dropped drastically, and many of Vancouverā€™s homeless are finding affordable living in the West End.

The streets have miraculously cleared of all traffic congestion, as gas prices have plummeted due to the government deeming British Columbia an ā€œoil-pipe free zoneā€ from now until the end of all time.

A truly amazing day for Vancouverites, and the city is abuzz with (non-violent) celebration.

Who could have thought any of this possible?