Undergrads break the mould
By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
Last Friday, the Other Press confirmed via David Schwartz, 20, that his roommates had finally gotten around to their annual cleanup of their shared refrigerator. Although scourging of the fridge had been done in the past, the actual resurfacing of the act was considered an unlikely event by all involved parties. Even participant Marcus Bell, 22, suggested the sheer improbability of the act occurring again.
While still donning his surgical mask and tongs, Bell shared the initial planning of the event, which required an environmental impact statement and full documentation.
“Yeah, we just kind of decided that we should probably have a fridge that actually opened, you know? When the mould has mould growing on it, it starts to make our meals taste not quite as great. Last time I got a beer a bat flew out of this thing when I opened it.”
Investigating directly into the source of the mess, third roommate Rob Hill told the Other Press that his living companions were “really goddamn messy.” While munching on a pizza, he explained “I don’t even remember the last time I went in there. Eating take-out all the time gets a bit boring, but it’s better than trying to cook something. Once I did my biology lab just using leftovers from within there.”
Indeed, the state of the refrigerator has been investigated by grad students from a local university. “We found evidence of a new ecosystem inside that thing at one point,” said environmental science major Leo Cooper. “There are things in there almost as scary as my own undergrad dorm fridge.”
Despite the sheer amount of mould, foliage, and mystery objects found inside the communal fridge, Schwartz and Bell agreed that “most of the stuff in there is still good. Throw it in the microwave and most of the unrecognizable parts are burned off. Half of cleaning out the fridge was just making lunch and dinner. It only took a weekend, although we had to wait for the university to finish examining it.”
As of Sunday night, the fridge was in an empty pristine condition. However, by Tuesday morning it had returned to a state of chaos. It currently houses half-full beer cans, Tupperware dishes containing unrecognizable types of meat, and 17 pizza boxes.
At press time, the fridge had been seized by mysterious government agents in biohazard suits. Schwartz and Bell are currently in intensive care for severe food poisoning. The leftovers remain uneaten.
