Donald Tump wins presidency

Walls begin construction during his first day in office

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

The world was shocked at the outstanding victory of Donald Tump in this year’s USA presidential election.

Tump swept the states as an independent, acquiring the majority in all electoral districts. Surprisingly, Tump managed to sway Alaska and Hawaii, even after calling them “a nobody,” and “a dumb handful of rocks,” respectively. Both California and Texas were the only states to somewhat hold out on America’s new leader, although were swayed by Tump’s vague one-year action plan to “Put America Back on Top.”

The American courts and jail systems are now overflowing with cases and new inmates, as President Tump has illegalized female menstruation, being mean to his Twitter account, and foreign accents.

“We are going to build a wall,” President Tump stated in his first few hours in office, drawing up blueprints for a wall of solid metal that would stretch across the America-Mexico border from the Pacific to the Atlantic Ocean.

Tump was surprised, however, to learn that a wall was already being constructed along the borderline by the Mexican government. This was Phase One of Operation Quarantine, a set of procedures concocted by various world leaders in the event that Donald Tump became president.

To the north, Canada had completed a wall as well; a 700 foot tall structure made entirely of ice. Thousands of Mounties, given midnight-black outfits, have been charged with the defence from their southern neighbours.

“The US is dark and full of terrors,” Captain of the Wall Ron Low said regarding the necessity of the newly completed structure. “There’s no knowing what new evils will come forth out of that Tump-led abyss.”

Across the pond, England, Germany, and various other European countries have since banded together to recreate the Atlantic Wall, revamping various defensive structures that have not seen operation since World War II.

Japan took lead of defence on the Pacific side of the newly deemed “Most Dangerous Country in the World” by creating massive robots that will emerge out of the ocean to defend from attacks at a moment’s notice.

Shortly after Donald Tump won his presidency, Hillary Clintons and Jeb Brush were pitted against one another in a Tump-orchestrated game of Scene It? The Apprentice Edition, with the winner earning the position of vice president.

When asked about his foreign policies, and whether he was concerned about the trade wall all other nations had recently placed on America, or about the literal wall that was being constructed around his nation, Tump merely responded, “Whatever, they’re a bunch of losers anyway.”