Inspired by the alarming appearance of scary clown sightings in BC
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
Last week the Douglas Athletics Department announced the formation of a new sports club: The Douglas Clown-Hunters.
“I thought it up a few nights ago while lying in bed with all the lights on and a baseball bat at the ready,” said club leader Francis Ulysses Klaunz. “I mean, the scary clowns thing was kind of funny when it was happening well south of the border, but they’re in Surrey now. The last thing Surrey needs is a scary clown invasion, am I right?”
The Clown-Hunters have described their sport as “a mega-huge intense game of full-contact manhunt,” and often play in large groups armed with bats, crowbars, pepper spray, and electric flyswatters.
“It’s a good way to get in a workout while saving the city from a real-life It situation, ya know?” said Douglas Clown-Hunter Artemis Brown. “It’s fun, it’s safe… well, for us. Probably not for the clowns.”
The club has not been formed without controversy, however. Critics have compared it to “the angry mob with pitchforks that went after Frankenstein’s Monster” and “a bunch of vigilantes with weapons and a vendetta against clowns.” Some students have even reported feeling unsafe around the Clown-Hunters.
“I get cold sweats when I think I might have over-applied blush,” said one student. “Like, what are their standards for what constitutes a clown? Am I allowed to make jokes? Wear polka dots? Put a scary mask over my face and a frazzled red wig so I can creep around people’s houses late at night like an asshole? Where is the line drawn?”
So far the club has yet to catch any clowns, but that hasn’t dampened their enthusiasm.
“It’s just like any other sports club,” said one member, a section editor for the Other Press with an intense fear of clowns who prefers to remain anonymous. “You know, we do stretches and exercises, go out for beers, order pizza, hunt clowns. It’s really all in the spirit of good fun, and—IS THAT A FUCKING CLOWN? DIEEEE!”