Encounter took place after the student’s third consecutive day without sleep
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
The religious community is buzzing and many assumptions about our world as we know it are being challenged by the alleged sighting of God Himself by Douglas student Adam N. Steve.
“I definitely saw ’im,” slurred Steve in an interview on Monday. “He was like—He glowed? He glowed. It was outside Subway, He had… He was eating a foot-long Prime Rib Melt. It was epic.”
According to Steve’s testimony, he was approaching his 73rd consecutive hour without sleep due to school, work, and social responsibilities. As he had a cold, he was also under the influence of “probably lethal amounts of Advil and Benadryl, honestly.” He’d gone to Subway with the intention of getting a sandwich and five large coffees, and found God instead.
“He was a chill dude,” said Steve. “Just asked me if I had a quarter for the bus, an’ I did, an’ He was like ‘thanks kid’ an’ I was like ‘no problem God’ and he was like ‘Jesus Christ are you high’ an’ I said ‘I’m not Jesus. God, kinda thought you would know that.’”
Steve’s account of his encounter with God has made him very popular amongst some members of the religious community, and a pariah amongst others.
“It’s the sign we’ve all been waiting for,” said evangelist Terry Cross. “Sure, the Rapture didn’t happen—both times—and there are nonbelievers out there who still make fun of us for ‘telling everyone you’d packed your bags for heaven, Terry, can’t wait to see you at the next PTA meeting,’ but this is a sign. He’s walking among us, and He has appeared to us in a form we can understand.”
“It’s blasphemist nonsense, is what it is,” said Father Peter Rock at a press conference over the weekend. “Sadly we cannot excommunicate Adam N. Steve as he is not a member of the Catholic faith. I checked. Twice. But we do not endorse his claims in the slightest.”
When asked if his experience made Steve a believer, his answer was noncommittal.
“I mean, I guess I kind of do and I kind of don’t,” he said. “I’m gonna try sleeping on it. Thanks to all the media coverage, I still haven’t had a chance to even catch a nap. I might just… I might just lie down here. Goodnight.”
Steve promptly curled up in his seat and fell asleep, leaving many questions unanswered.