Canada to change measurement system
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Following the United Nations’ failed attempt at convincing America to switch their measurement system from imperial to metric (the US being one of only three countries clinging to the imperial system, the other two being Liberia and Myanmar), Canada has decided to forgo the metric system as well, replacing it with a system of their own design.
The Ehmperial system has been worked on by Canada’s leading scientists, physicists, and professional measurers for the past few years, and has finally been announced as the official measurement system in Canada, beginning Mondeh.
“It is a quite complex system,” leader of the project Buck Crompton said. “We have changed the way Canadians see distance, volume, space, and even time.”
The Ehmperial system will see a shift in measuring all the same aspects that the imperial system in America does, making everything more difficult and complicated for literally everyone else.
“It’s really quite ingenious,” Crompton said, “We just made everything into specifications that Canadians are familiar with. For example, five feet nine and a quarter inches is the regular height of a hockey stick, so we decided to measure everything and everyone by that. My son is about 7/12ths of a hockey stick.”
With this new code of measurement, carpenters and various construction companies are buying up all the hockey sticks in Canada.
“It just makes sense,” carpenter Brent Walder said. “Because they work both ways, right. You can measure a full stick with its length, and then you can measure an exact blade with the end of it.”
The blade is the smaller measurement of the stick unit, and it accounts for both a regular hockey skate blade, and the blade on your usual hockey stick. “A blade equals exactly 7/24ths of one full stick, so it works well in conversion. When looking at larger distances, we use a lap around a hockey rink, which is roughly 124.55 sticks,” Crompton said.
Additionally, litres and millilitres have been converted into a much simpler ratio, measuring everything in relation to a cask of maple syrup. Litres become quarter casks o’ syrup and millilitres become dollops o’ syrup.
Canadians everywhere have accepted this new measurement system with vigour, many stating that they, “already measured most things this way anyways.”
The United Nations recently announced their disagreement with Canada’s new measurement systems, and to that Canada responded, “America started it.”