By Dr. Cazzy Lewchuk, B.S.
Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Today you will die under mysterious circumstances. Your body, covered in boils and unidentifiable bite marks, will be fished out of the Fraser River. Your eyeballs will be donated to that creepy blind lady who lives down the street.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
Today you will be kidnapped by a group of cannibals while walking home. Your organs will later be harvested on the black market, with your skin used as the leader’s wallpaper.
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
At a party this weekend, you’ll end up with a really bad can of beer. It’ll taste like mould, or maybe wasabi. The next morning, you will have fungus growing all over your body, quickly consuming all your vital organs and your pet dog.
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
You will have a sudden urge to go exploring a cave. You will find a hole in a crevasse, shaped exactly like your body, and be unable to resist going in. Three months later, explorers on the other side will find your spaghetti-like remains.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
Waking up this morning, you’ll feel a bit funny. You’ll also be unable to move much. It’ll be dark. You’ll try to sit up, but will bump your head on some wood. And then the worms will dig into your brain.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
The Girl Scouts? Don’t talk to them. One cookie has enough poison to kill three grown men. That’s if they actually sell you the cookies and don’t just hack you to little pieces.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
It’s going to be one of those days. You’ll get out of bed and be immediately stampeded to death by a herd of angry rhinoceroses. The pieces of your body will then be thrown around by chimpanzees.
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
Things are going your way! Buy a lottery ticket, and you’ll win! Then you’ll be shot in the head by your jealous mother so she can claim the winnings for herself. She’s paid for enough of your crap over the years.
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
You’ll probably have a craving for Tim Hortons this morning. You’ll try to go to the local Tims, but take one wrong turn and end up in a scary dimension filled with demons. The demons will rip your lungs out while you’re still screaming. Then you’ll die.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will get deep into the fabric of your soul and suck the life out of your body. Literally. That last sentence you heard will cause your brain to cease all function and your consciousness will fade from existence.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Today will seem like any other. After all, you’re just reading a newspaper. But oh look, a paper cut! And then another. And another. What started off as checking your horoscope will quickly turn into death by a thousand paper cuts all over your body.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
It’s pretty hot out today, isn’t it? Hot enough to melt all over the floor. Your flat, now liquid carcass will be trampled on by other students and tracked in the halls for the rest of the day.