Lobbyists complain about having to be human for the sake of comfort
By Livia Turnbull, Hedgehog Trapped in a Human’s Body
A small but vocal crowd is howling—or making any noise they can—for change. The Trans-species Raging Against Discrimination Group (TRADG) is protesting against “human only” washrooms.
“We want to have washrooms too. We’re really animals trapped inside human bodies. Doesn’t the Canadian government see how inhumane this is for making us be what we despise?” says TRADG leader David Wallens, who identifies as a porpoise. Wallens also made it clear that if the Canadian government doesn’t make washrooms for all species, he will pollute the lakes with his own waste.
“We’re suffering. We’re really, really suffering,” says John Bishadan, who identifies as an Arctic hare. “We animals just want to go back to a time when there was no war, no hatred, and no sorrow, and we could just eat and sleep.”
When the Other Press remarked that humans built the very iPhone he was tweeting on, Bishadan made a comment unsuitable for print.
Other members of TRADG are using more provocative ways to get their message across. Ami McJordian, who identifies as a cardinal, sits in a tree wearing nothing but red feathers and holding a sign that says “Don’t make me shit on you.”
“We can’t help it,” says McJordian. ”We were born to be animals. I mean, I know that humans are animals too, but they’ve lost their primate-like nature. We haven’t lost our animalistic nature. That’s why I like sitting on tree branches more than anything else in the world.”
The Other Press also asked why many who identify as trans-species keep their human names.
“Because the damn fascists running this sinking ship of debauchery don’t recognize my true name,” Wallens replied after making a series of noises assumed to be porpoise sounds. “Besides, giving animals names is just another way for humans to control the so-called ‘inferior species.’ They might make some of us extinct. They might make us have human names, but they should have washrooms for every single being on this Earth. Besides, I really do not want to have another obscenity charge on my criminal record.”
The Other Press tried to leave the group shortly after that, but our reporter was mauled by a member of TRADG wearing a cheap lion costume. The person in the lion costume is currently being charged with assault.