Tacky, cliché, and poseurific band threads to avoid
By Dylan Hackett, News Editor
Band shirts rule. Everyone knows by the time they’re 14 that advertising your musical tastes by way of a T-shirt is an easy means to hit on or break the ice with the girl or guy you fancy. This behaviour is acceptable until you’re about 28. Until then, don’t be caught in the following band tees.
The Beatles: Every idiot and their uncle knows that yes, the best pop band in the history of ever trotted single-file along a crosswalk on Abbey Road. Your attempt at expressing unbridled individualism isn’t even well-intentioned. Fact: everyone likes the Beatles. You’re born liking the Beatles. It’s implied in your existence. Advertising your affection for the Fab Four by way of T-shirt is tacky and redundant. Maybe the only permissible exception is a Rubber Soul shirt.
Bob Marley: So what if the guy wrote a bunch of killer peace jams? You look like you have no social relevance beyond your toke circle at the BCMP vapour lounge.
Pantera: If you discount their disowned glam metal albums, Pantera is the worst band ever. Unless you’re a semi-literate binge-drinking teenager from Port Coquitlam picking fights at a shitty bonfire, you have no excuse to be draped in this garbage. You might as well complete the image with a sleeve of quasi-fascist tattoos, or worse—your last name and/or stupid family crest.
Ramones: Another case of a quality band being over-merched to the point of being painfully poseur-friendly and tacky. You can pull this off if you’re a cool stoner uncle or your (male) hair is past your shoulders. If you’re looking for a more earnest way to turn your wardrobe into a tribute to the lads then buy a biker jacket and get some tighter jeans—don’t half-ass it with a $50 tee, you clown.
Skrillex/Deadmau5/any EDM artist: We get it—you want to immortalize the first time you took ecstasy at a “rave” (i.e. cash-grab overhyped soundshow) with a piece of silkscreened cotton. Your toonie-sized pupils picked out a shitty shirt at that merch table staffed by over-tattooed MDMA-goons and you should be ashamed. If you bought that online, please be more ashamed—you have no fallback excuse. Also, your Soundcloud page sucks.
Metallica: Yeah, Kill ‘Em All is a sweet album, but you don’t want to draw attention to the probability that you haven’t opened a book since ninth grade.
Alice in Chains: Your T-shirt is two sizes too big, and you smell like your lack of social skills and a bag of moldy cess.
Motörhead: Just kidding, Lemmy is a fucking legend. There is a 90 per cent chance you have shitty chin hair though.
Bathory: You’re an entry-level metalhead that still uses Nexopia.