The common folk demand snowflakes and candy canes
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
With the ending of October, many Vancouverites have found themselves so totally over autumn, pumpkin spice lattes, and any leaves left on the trees, no matter how colourful.
This sudden and abrupt shift in philosophy came, as it does each year, at the stroke of midnight on October 31. Many Vancouver residents wandered home in their costumes, damning the crunchy leaves beneath their feet, and wishing for the sky to open up and rain down a blizzard.
“I just don’t get what’s taking so long,” said Vancouver resident Jenifer Jones during an interview on November 2. “Autumn is over, Halloween is done. Why is it still mildly warm out?”
Jones was spending the evening tearing down the Halloween decorations that covered her house, and was replacing them with colorful lights, fake snow, and festive wreathes. “Never too soon for Jesus,” Jones said.
Local Starbucks coffee houses are also reporting a shocking change in their costumers, with angry mobs forming outside the stores, waving signs and burning old jack-o’-lanterns.
“Down with pumpkin spice!” the mob chanted late into the night. Evidently, they were demanding the immediate substitution of peppermint tea and eggnog hot chocolates before the night was done.
Local resident and mob member Elliot Wilson explained the fire that was burning in the hearts of each rioter: “We will not stand for this! Almost two months of waiting before we get another special occasion when we get to be drunk and act festive? Too long, I say. Bring on Christmas now!”
Wilson speculated that it may be more than the calendars that are condemning the people to this “hellish nightmare,” as he put it. “It’s that Justin guy’s fault. He just wasn’t ready, I guess. Now the common people pay the price. Give us some snow, oh powerful Prime Minister!”
Hilary Burton, active member of PACMIN (People Against Christmas Music In November) said that she is thrilled about Starbucks’ resilience against negotiating with the mob. “You can’t give ’em anything.” Burton said about the mob. “The moment you do, those bastards will start wanting Santas in the malls, or Christmas trees in their windows. Before you know it, they’ll be demanding Halloween stores in January, or Flag Day all year round.”
While PACMIN is firmly against any holiday starting early, they have a strong vendetta against early Christmases: “If I have to listen to that damn little drummer boy go ‘pu-rumpumpumpum’ any sooner than what is culturally necessary, I may just get violent with some strategically licked candy canes,” Burton said.