Says new method would be ‘fire’
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
With the race for presidential nominees in full swing, candidate Hillary Clinton is encouraging new methods for American citizens to vote for their next president.
In a recent series of tweets, Clinton thoroughly explained what she sees to be the best option for American democracy: a seven-day long Twitter poll pitting herself against the Republican candidate.
“I think a trill thing to do would be to let the Tweeterz decide,” Clinton tweeted last week. She followed up that initial statement with a dozen or so heart-eyed emoji tweets, and then laid out the groundwork for her proposed electoral reform.
“We will have a Twitter account named AMERICA that every American citizen will have to follow,” she said, “and then that will be the account that posts the poll.”
When asked about the American citizens who don’t have Twitter accounts, Clinton rolled her eyes and muttered something about “noobs.”
While Clinton has not yet secured the Democratic candidacy, she seemed confident in her bid over candidate Bernie Sanders.
During a press release, Clinton stated: “He means well, but he’s just too old. He doesn’t get the kids like I do, nom’sayin?” She even brought up the infamous Bernie Hillary meme, saying: “I love those me-m things. They’re so fun.”
On the other side of the political spectrum, Republican nominee shoe-in Donald Trump held a press conference to address Clinton’s proposed voting method.
“You know, Hillary, I like Hillary. I mean, I hate her, but she’s all right. I guess I mean, she is a person who is trying to make America not great, anymore! So I think what she’s saying is that, what she’s saying is that she’s a tweeter. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a tweeter. But if she thinks she can come up against ME, THE OFFICIAL DONALD TRUMP, well she’s got another thing coming.”
Trump then went on for another hour or so about nothing much in particular, and later that night reportedly got into a Twitter beef with Hilary Duff, calling her out for her “dumb poll idea.”
While it is not clear which way the American public will sway regarding the newly proposed election process, it has been clear from recent voting in primaries that a shocking amount of them will vote very, very wrongly.