The truth about climate change that you’ve never ‘herd’ before
By Jamal Al-Bayaa, Staff Writer
During a press conference this Thursday, Oscar winner Leonardo Dicaprio gave a follow-up speech to the few words that he gave as thanks after his Oscar win. In his statement, he claimed that cow farts are the world’s biggest polluters, that the moon landing video was faked in order to encourage current car companies to increase research for flying cars, and finally, that he really needed to use the washroom.
After a quick recess, he continued his statement, adding that by the year 2050 we will all probably be dead from the paradoxically high-stress lifestyle of being beegans—vegans who have accepted that they have to eat insects instead of kale for their protein and honey instead of vegan-friendly ice cream for their bouts of emotional eating.
On a more optimistic note, he suggested that we will eventually have unlimited renewable energy, forever. “Ocean acidification is occurring at such a rapid pace that soon it will be a viable replacement for battery acid,” he said.
One company, Fourtino, already has a strategy to market their batteries as the first-ever pieces of technology to be fully organic and certified gluten-free.
“And lastly,” DiCaprio said, “it is with great pleasure that I announce that carbon dioxide is now on our side! By 2070, we will have created such a thick cloud of carbon dioxide in our atmosphere that any notion of ‘global warming’ or ‘global climate change’ will be quickly forgotten and replaced by ‘global over-stability.’” Global over-stability will eliminate seasons, weather, visibility, and even day and night, according to head scientist B.o.B, who was previously implicated in a serious debate over whether or not the earth really was flat. As it turns out, the thing that major experts on the Internet agree upon is that the answer to that is still unclear.
The fact that carbon dioxide emissions in Canada have been seriously on the rise over the past 20 years indicates that this theory may have serious merit.
Although he walked away from his speech with the thunderous applause from thousands of fans behind him, his wife, mother, and children all looked worried.
Irmelin Indenberken, Leonardo DiCaprio’s mother, described the situation in a tell-all interview about life after the Oscars.
“He just hasn’t been the same since that Oscar win anymore, you know? He waited for so long, waiting and waiting for that award, going crazy over the wins that he kept on passing along to other actors. Now that he has the award, he doesn’t know what to do with himself anymore, I think. I just worry that winning it has done more harm than losing it.”
As a tear formed in his mom’s eye, Leo’s father George interrupted with a comment on the matter, after a deep sigh and a reluctant glance away from the window.
“Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I hadn’t run over his dog as a kid. Maybe he would be happier now. Maybe…” he started, but with another sigh, decided to just look back outside the window with his distant eyes, searching in vain for an answer.