Image via Thinkstock
Image via Thinkstock

Santa makes a big confession

By Adam Tatelman, Staff Writer

Yesterday, global holiday icon Saint Nicholas, A.K.A. “Santa Claus,” arranged for an interview with the Other Press to shed some light on an ancient misconception that has coloured his public image since he was first recognized as the patron saint of children. According to Father Christmas himself, he is not in fact a jolly old elf, but a citizen of Patara, Greece. Furthermore, he claims to have nothing to do with the Christian religion.

“It’s a bit funny, really,” said St. Claus, his droll little mouth drawn up like a bow. “I’m actually Jewish. Have been since the Exodus. The Christian clergy made me Bishop of Myra back in the fourth century because I brought gifts to little children. I tried to explain myself, but they were very insistent.”

St. Claus was quite eager to explain the difference between his days as Bishop and his modern image. “I only cared about making the children happy,” he said, “so I went along with it at first. It wasn’t so bad having a feast celebration in my name. But as the years went on, I decided to change my image in favour of something more secular. So that’s why I took the Coca-Cola deal.”

“The North Pole isn’t really the Winter Wonderland you might think,” continued St. Claus, as smoke from his pipe encircled his head like a wreath. “In fact, it’s a pretty humble little workshop. We don’t really celebrate Christmas, or even put up a tree. The holidays are our job, and December is the busiest month of the year for us, so we don’t have a lot of time to make merry.”

He went on to describe his business operations: “The IRS has it out for me, but I assure you, everything we do at the Pole is non-profit. I accept donations from companies like Mattel, Lego, and Sony, and then promote their products in exchange. Every penny of that money goes towards factory upkeep, worker pay, and reindeer feed. If there’s anything left after that, it goes to UNICEF.”

“Ms. Claus and I are celebrating our 5,000th anniversary this year,” said St. Claus when questioned about his marriage. “We do consider ourselves very orthodox. We celebrate Hanukkah in December, and we always fast for Yom Kippur. It’s a good way to get ready for that big delivery; all the milk and cookies can really go to your waistline if you don’t go without for a little while.”

“I never meant to confuse anyone,” said St. Claus, trudging towards the fireplace. “It doesn’t matter to me what God you believe in; I just want to make people happy.” Laying his finger aside of his nose and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose—leaving a dreidel behind him.