Huge celebrity explains scientific fact

Millions believe what actor has to say

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

In recent news, today gigantic celebrity Johnny Mclessney revealed the truth about a very serious and troubling problem affecting our children.

It turns out that real science has concluded a direct correlation between dental fillings and the rabies virus.

“Don’t let your kids get fillings!” spoke Mclessney to a crowd of thousands. “Your kids will get rabies and die if they get them!” The speech was also broadcasted over multiple television and radio news stations.

Within seconds, the conversation online erupted. Many parents were badmouthing dentists, demanding to know how “they could do such horrible things to my precious babies!” and many others were defending the dentists, saying that fillings were a simple, necessary, and pragmatic step in ensuring you have a healthy set of teeth.

Sides were chosen and the line was drawn in the sand, with many of the anti-filling believers speaking loudly and boldly. Rallies were formed, and protest petitions were signed. Dentists were run out of towns, seeking sanctuary in pro-filling demographics.

“It’s a nightmare,” said dentist Shaun Leeman. “All I ever wanted to do was work on people’s teeth, bother people about flossing, and make a humongous amount of money doing it. Isn’t rabies curable nowadays anyway? Seriously, how could anyone have believed this correlation?”

According to the public school system, it does not matter how valid the belief is, as a “belief” does not have to be validated.

Many are opposed to this belief, as they believe that the children without fillings are causing harm to the education of the pro-filling parents’ children.

“My child comes home from school, and he says that he couldn’t hear anything!” pro-filling mother Jess Burges said. “He says that all he can hear is the moans of all the kids who haven’t seen the dentist! Do you know how much candy these kids eat? They’re in pain!”

Upon hearing that, anti-filling protester Shiela Cottonsworth gave her side of the argument: “I would rather my child suffer through the absolute turmoil of his teeth rotting right into his skull than deal with the hassle of having a child with rabies. Johnny Mclessney said it himself. If you aren’t going to believe a famous actor, then where do you think you’re going to get all of your scientific facts?”

Where indeed.

This piece is a satirical humour article.