Get me on ‘Shark Tank’
By Sonam Kaloti, Arts Editor
Living alone has brought on a world of new experiences. Some would say it gives people a life—if you consider a personality consisting of washing dishes and vacuuming a life. Truly, though, it is great… except for the very few blood-curdling drawbacks.
Strainers, for one, are the devil. Why do so many recipes use these things? I’ll take the water with my spaghetti, thank you.
When you’re holding a heavy pot of food and boiling fluid, and you’re expected to slowly tip it into a weak mesh with a tiny handle grip, something is bound to fall. It’s like playing “the floor is lava,” but you are an adult and you actually get burned. There are not enough hands for this.
Here’s three suggestions, world:
- A strainer that holds itself up.
- Pasta water vacuum.
- Extra hand.
If you think I’m done here, you are gravely mistaken. Not only do these awful cooking tools fail to understand human anatomy, how the heck do you clean them? Just holds each square centimetre under the faucet for a few seconds until suddenly it’s been 10 minutes and… this is unacceptable.
Sure, you could “just angle the water” or “put it in a pot of water” instead, but why do that when you could just not own a strainer and purchase one of the three earlier inventions instead? Or all three and get 20 percent off (and get an extra extra hand thrown in!)
Alright, enough with the mundane everyday items. On to the future, people.
We’ve all used Compass Cards (many of us, everyday), and most of us have opened our eyes to the saving grace that is the Apple Wallet. Why is there no Compass Card phone link? At the least, why is there no Compass app? Oh, to simply tap your phone and keep your card in your bag at a busy SkyTrain station instead of the raging anxiety and fumbling for your wallet as you get pushed closer and closer to the gate… just imagine. TransLink step it up, please.
Full future mode: no more intersections. There will be loops so no one stops driving. Faster, efficient, less gas wasted idling, better for the environment, what more is there to say? Extra full future mode: we all travel around in person-sized long air suction tubes or flying cars and rockets. For legal reasons, no, I did not invent that one, but I’ll be the first to ask: can we do it already?