Klondike company looking to take the school for all it’s got
By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Last week, Douglas College and the ice cream bar slinging company Klondike entered into their last few days of court, which ended up being the most heated ones.
The ongoing legal dispute has made waves since it began in early January, and every second of the excitement has been caught on camera and covered by the media.
Klondike, in a move that shocked millions, launched an all out legal assault on Douglas College over their “What will you do?” ads, stating that the phrase had been stolen directly out of Klondike’s famous “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” slogan.
“It is clear that there has been some marketing mischief at work here,” said Klondike’s legal representative, Jeff Goldstone. “Douglas College has obviously seen the amazing power that the Klondike slogan holds, and used it for their own devices.”
Klondike is suing Douglas for $6.2 billion, as well as the right to put a Klondike Bar in the hand of every student featured in the ads.
“It’s the only fair thing to do. People need to know why it is they are so tempted to attend Douglas College after gazing at those ads, and we believe it was our slogan that convinced them.”
Recently, Douglas College launched a vigorous new ad campaign, covering walls of SkyTrain stations, bus stops, and billboards. Since then, thousands of new students have flooded the school’s halls in an attempt to figure out exactly what they “Will do.”
“I really just have no idea,” said first year Douglas Student Ethan Wells. “I haven’t even registered yet, I don’t know what I want to do. But I know that I need to find that out, so here I am. Also hey, do you know if the cafeteria sells Klondike bars? Man I would literally kill a man for one of those right now…”
The court case is being covered live by all the biggest media outlets, and the verdict has yet to be reached as it enters the 11th hour of negotiations. Tempers have flared and disputes have almost ended with physical violence on more than one occasion, though it seems that a verdict will be reached soon.
“In a gross example of plagiarism,” Supreme Court Judge Hank Thames ultimately announced, “we find Douglas College guilty of copying Klondike’s slogan nearly word for word. They are sentenced to replace all posters in the Metro Vancouver area with the more accurate slogan of, ‘What career plan will you receive education in and pursue?’ and to add some form of Klondike advertisement to each and every poster.”