Letter to the Editor: Cannibalism is fine

Illustration by Max Foss
Illustration by Max Foss

An argument for eating each other

By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of opposition in regards to allowing people to eat other people. The question gets tossed around a lot: If you had the opportunity, without any consequence, would you eat a person? In underground forums I visit dedicated to connecting florescent crab wig enthusiasts from across the globe, the question of cannibalism is asked every six months or so. Usually, both sides of the argument are properly represented but, in the past year or so, I have noticed a dramatic lean to one side—the side that would not only refuse to eat people, but also shame others who would eat people if given the chance. I feel it’s finally my time to come out of the woodwork, as I firmly believe in cannibalism, and would go so far to say that it would solve a lot of the world’s problems.

If we look at the media for five minutes we learn three things: We hate each other, we objectify each other, and we are angrier on an empty stomach. I feel exercising cannibalism has a stronger argument if we keep these factors in mind. I’m not suggesting we eat people we like; that’s stupid. I’m suggesting we simply stick to eating people that we hate and don’t see as people anyway: Cooperate executives, politicians, or upstairs neighbors that refuse to turn their stereo down despite our constant requests. That way, we don’t feel bad when we eat them, instead we’ll actually feel a lot better.

If you’re concerned about how to catch your next meal, I wouldn’t worry about that either. People sit around all the time—a lot of us barely exercise. We’re full of delicious fat and can’t run very fast, and thus we’re very easy to catch. I would advise against using any artificial weapons though—That’s cheating. We should stick to basic rules if we want cannibalism to work: No artificial weapons, no poisons, and always remember to have fun.

This argument for cannibalism is also not a binary one: We wouldn’t either eat all or nothing of a person. We would be allowed to take single bites of people. It is my expert, non-medical opinion that one single bite of a person could keep you going for several hours, energy-wise. I would also not worry about that person getting angry at you for just taking a single bite out of them; people are looking at their phones all the time, so no one will notice if you take a nibble out of their arm when you’re hungry.

Before my word count runs out, I would like to address a concern that gets expressed to me whenever I discuss my point of view: What do we do with the vegetarians, vegans, or people who would simply refuse to eat people when the law is enforced at gun point? First off, vegans and vegetarians don’t exist, and are simply a creation of the media, just like CrossFit and eggnog (CrossFit is physically impossible, and eggnog is simply too thick for human consumption, wake up people). It’s not possible to abstain from eating other living things and survive or be happy. Second, people who don’t want to eat people simply haven’t heard my argument. I can’t be everywhere at once—that’s a lot of pressure—but, we’ll get there. Until then, you can help take a bite out of cannibal discrimination by signing the pro-cannibalism petition at: http://www.eatyourheartout.com.