Liberals legalization policies foggy at best

Progress caught in a haze

By Jake Wray, Contributor

After months of delays hampering the new Liberal government’s plan to legalize marijuana, the Prime Minister is now saying they will “get around to it.”

The Liberals were elected partially because of their promise to legalize marijuana, but the legalization process is dragging out, leaving many Canadians unsatisfied and impatient. Speaking from his office, wearing grey sweatpants and an Odd Future hoodie, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told the Other Press—between mouthfuls of pretzels—that marijuana legalization is of the highest priority.

“It’s totally a huge deal to a lot of Canadians, and we get that for sure. We’ll get around to it soon, I promise, but for right now just chill out, man. Check it out, I just got my staff to put a record player in here! You like The Beatles?” said Trudeau, as he got up to put on Magical Mystery Tour.

Bill Blair, Liberal MP and parliamentary secretary to the Minister of Justice, has been tasked with overseeing the transition to legalization. He said the logistics of legalizing pot are complicated and intricate.

“I dunno, man, this is tricky stuff. There are all these international treaties and stuff—sometimes I just don’t know what to think. Can you imagine if we legalized pot, and then the Americans were mad at us? They have railguns, man! Giant railguns on their ships. Have you seen the YouTube video of the railgun? It’s awesome, I’ll show you,” said Blair.

Minister of Public Safety Ralph Goodale spoke to the Other Press from his living room with the curtains drawn. He said he’s been too anxious to work on the marijuana file.

“I would love to work on legalizing pot, but I keep feeling like people are judging me for it,” said Goodale. “The other day I was in Starbucks trying to type out a report on crime statistics, but I kept feeling like everyone in there knew exactly what I was up to.”

Rona Ambrose, interim leader of the Conservative party, was disappointed by the government’s lack of progress.

“How long exactly is this process going to take? Justin and the Liberals have once again shown how unmotivated and foggy they can be. I know I have long held the position that marijuana is a maddening toxin pushed by Satan himself, but I also have a responsibility to complain incessantly about every move the government makes,” said Ambrose.

Patrick Howe, professor of public policy at the University of Victoria’s faculty of law, said that legalization won’t happen overnight.

“This is a complex legal challenge facing strong opposition. There will have to be compromises. This will take years,” said Howe. “I don’t know what people are expecting. Trudeau can’t just snap his fingers and legalize pot overnight.”

At press time, Trudeau was just going to run out to 7-Eleven real quick.