Trump missing in action
By Adam Tatelman, Arts Editor
In the wake of his deafening approach to public discourse on every subject from immigration to national security, controversial Republican candidate Donald Trump seems to have vanished entirely.
Donald’s suit, tie, and blonde comb-over were discovered lying on the floor of his Trump Tower penthouse by his personal security staff, who initially assumed he was taking a shower. Upon pinging his subcutaneous locator implant, they were able to deduce that he was in fact nowhere on the planet.
To solve this mystery, psychic mediums consulted the ghost of Lewis Carrol, author of such surreal works as Jabberwocky and Alice in Wonderland, in the hopes that he might shed some light on this nonsense.
“It’s not a question of logic,” Carrol’s erudite shade explained, puffing on an ectoplasmic tobacco pipe, “but popularity. You say there’s been a sharp decline in Donnie Boy’s media coverage, so if he is no longer corporeal, the only explanation can be that people have stopped believing in him.”
This raises the question of whether or not Trump ever actually existed, or if he was instead the fantastical result of a collective psychic delusion, much like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, balanced game design, and liberal democratic government.
Could it be that, if enough media outlets were to report on Donald Trump again, he might return? It is impossible to say for certain, but wizardry expert J.K. Rowling has suggested referring to him as “You-Know-Who” for the time being, just in case.