Linden reveals star Canucks’ talents were actually just stolen by aliens
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
In a surprise press conference held late last night, former Vancouver Canucks team captain-turned-new-President Trevor Linden revealed the answer behind the Canucks’ terrible 2013/14 NHL season performance: a band of criminal aliens stole the hockey-playing powers of key players in an elaborate scheme to get Looney Tunes cartoon characters to work at an outer space theme park.
“Here’s what happened,” explained Linden, using storyboard sketches to illustrate the complex narrative. “These bad-guy aliens tried to kidnap the Looney Tunes, but then Bugs Bunny challenged them to a hockey game in exchange for their freedom. The aliens agreed to the game, but then cunningly came to earth and stole the hockey prowess from what was—at the time—one of the best team’s in the league: the Vancouver Canucks.”
According to Linden, the aliens stole the powers of otherwise-fantastic players including Alex Burrows, Jason Garrison, Jannik Hansen, Alex Edler, and not one, but two, Sedin twins by using a magic hockey stick to suck up their talent.
“It really put the Canucks in a terrible position to win games,” explained Linden.
Indeed, many Vancouver fans were puzzled by the incredibly disappointing performance of their team this season. When the Canucks failed to even qualify for the Stanley Cup playoffs, some fans sensed that something might be amiss.
“I mean, how could an elite team just suddenly start sucking so bad? I knew it must have had something to do with evil aliens and not just poor management and playing,” exclaimed long-time fan, Bruce Spruce III.
Luckily for the next season, Trevor Linden is truly a hero and has saved the day.
“In response to the aliens, the Looney Tunes then kidnapped me from where I was happily retired from the game, helping people get fit with my affordable gym franchise. I taught the Tunes how to play good so we won the space game—and the aliens had to return the players’ powers. So yeah. The ’Nucks should totally be better next year,” said Linden.
The bright side to all these shenanigans? Linden is back.
“After all the Space Jammin’, I decided I really did want to be involved in hockey again,” explained Linden.
As of April 9, Linden is the new President of Hockey Operations for the Canucks.
“I can tell you one thing about my Presidency—there will be a zero tolerance policy for alien invasions,” said Linden.
With Linden watching out for alien shenanigans, sports fans are expecting the Canucks to win the Cup next year.
“They better…,” said Spruce, “or we’ll totally riot over it.”