Turns out it just has crickets in it
By Duncan Fingarson, Columnist
Reports flooded in last week regarding the Douglas College biology lab. Located on the third floor, the lab is an integral part of the biology courses offered at the college. However, many students have been recently concerned that the lab may have been abandoned.
“I looked in the door, and didn’t see anyone,” one student, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Other Press. “Of course, I didn’t go in or anything, but it seemed so quiet in there. I heard crickets chirping, and that means there’s nobody there, right?”
Other letters, along a similar vein, deluged the Other Press mail room. The mail room, which is totally a thing that exists, was at one point completely full of these completely real letters. The door couldn’t even be opened, and it took some time to find a spare room big enough to hold all the letters for sorting. Once it was determined that pretty much all of them were about the biology lab, the Other Press sent an investigative journalist to the lab in question.
What our journalist found may come as a shock to those many, many anonymous letter writers: The lab is, in fact, not abandoned. There were a small handful of students, as well as lab instructors, present. The instructors were happy to provide comment on the source of the cricket sounds while assisting those students who had actually showed up.
“We keep the crickets as food for the lizards, mostly,” one instructor said. “The biology lab is home to a variety of animals and insects. They’re in that tank over there.”
The tank was promptly investigated by our valiant journalist, and was found to contain a number of large crickets. The crickets appeared to be perfectly normal, but the Other Press is not ruling anything out just yet.
Later in the evening, some of the crickets began chirping during our investigation. As if on cue, a student walked by, glanced into the room, and proceeded to shrug and walk away. Our journalist hurried to catch up.
“What do you mean there are people in there?” asked the student, once they were confronted with our journalist’s evidence. “I heard the crickets. Crickets chirping is, like, the universal auditory signal for a place being completely empty.”
Sporadic reports have continued to come in, but the Other Press is here to assure you that no, the biology lab has not been deserted. It is not forgotten; it is not abandoned. It’s just full of hungry lizards and their future dinner.