‘Maybe a third?’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Passionate locals gathered this Saturday in front of the Vancouver Art Gallery to rally for a second winter vacation.
“In order to recover for the first one,” Chris Lax, the head of the movement, explained to press at the rally.
Lax, along with hundreds of citizens, reported a severe decrease in motivation, drive, and ambition.
“We can’t be expected to go back to work and school in this state,” Lax yelled to a cheering crowd. “We need at least another week off to completely recharge!”
Scientists say the lethal combination of carbohydrates, alcohol, and family drama leaves the mind and body severely weakened and prone to staring at social media for hours on end.
“I want to support the cause, I really do,” said Dorothea Pert, a high school teacher whose eyelids were beginning to droop during the interview. “It’s just I’m so tired… and we’ve been up since nine this morning. I would love to take a quick power nap, just rest my feet for a little bit. It’s been such a long day…”
Other protesters like Damon Redford had a bit more pep. “Two straight weeks of drinking? Watching Christmas movies for a whole month? Do you even know what that does to a man? I had to watch The Grinch for the ninth year in a row. My friends can quote it by heart. Who wants to be able to quote the goddamned Grinch?”
Alexandria Gravinksy, graduate student, had four essays to write over the winter break. “I didn’t crack a single book,” she said. “When could I find the time? Between flying out to visit my grandmother in Calgary for Christmas, seeing my aunt in Halifax for Boxing Day, and my girlfriend’s family back in Vancouver for New Year’s Eve, my entire holiday season was booked solid. I’ll need two weeks off just to get over my jet lag.”
Many cited Seasonal Affective Disorder as their need for an extended holiday. “I spent the entire break holed up in my basement suite watching reruns of True Blood,” Vancouver local Chris Switch told reporters. “I haven’t seen the sun in weeks, and I maxed out my credit card DoorDashing falafel. All in all, one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had. But boy, am I exhausted!”
Lax started the movement only days before his protest but is certain it will gain traction in the weeks to come.
“People complain about Christmas starting earlier and earlier every year. With decorative trees going up as early as November 10, it’s only natural that we should need about three months off. Three and a half if it’s a leap year.”
As reporters were finishing interviews, many of the protesters were lying down on the steps of the Vancouver Art Gallery for an afternoon siesta.
“Tryptophan from too many turkey dinners,” Lax said mid-yawn, rubbing his eyes. “Could we finish this interview, say, around March 9?”