Shopping apocalypse

Illustration by Ed Appleby

What you will need to survive Black Friday

By Mercedes Deutscher, Staff Writer

The day hath arrived once more. Doomsday is near. There will be riots in public places. People will be scrambling for supplies to survive a nuclear winter. And by nuclear, I mean commercialist. When the world, especially America, seems to have just realized how thankful they are for what they already have, the dreaded Black Friday will arrive. Chaos and turmoil ensues.

Yet hope is not lost for the strong trapped in the raging masses, should they come prepared. Here is what you will need to survive, and who you will need for your ultimate shopping apocalypse team.

On your team, you will require some bait. Choose your weakest member, and assign them the mission to acquire something lucrative and valuable—let’s say a 50-per-cent-off television. Bonus points if this is the last one. Proceed to sacrifice them to the masses, pulling the attention off of your team. Their death will not be in vain, and their bravery will be commemorated.

You will need the rogue, who can silently and stealthily swipe the goods and supplies needed to survive the winter. Rogues can also detect traps, such as weepy mothers who will beg for your supplies to provide to her children. You mustn’t give in, for this is a dark world where dark rules apply.

A valiant and strong warrior is a must, for they will force their (and your team’s) way through the masses and towards freedom.

Your team must also have a strategist. The strategist is responsible for mapping out the war zone and locating the most crucial supplies that can only be acquired on Black Friday.

Yet even if you have the strongest team available, you cannot go into Black Friday defenceless.

Equip yourselves with black cloth bags. When you see the enemy incoming, place the cloth bag over their heads. While they are blinded, spin them around a few times and push them in the opposite direction.

Bring several children. Children make for excellent Black Friday traps. If a threat is looming near, leave a child. They will alert a nearby enemy that they require help, forcing the enemy to bring the child to a neutral service base.

Don’t forget a bottle of oil. To prevent the enemy from following you further, pour some oil onto the floor. They will slip and incapacitate themselves and others surrounding them. They will fall like dominoes and take several seconds to respawn.

It is important to know where to hide should the war zone spiral further out of control. Find a space behind some less popular supplies. Hiding in camping supplies is particularly useful, for not even the enemy is insane enough to camp during the winter. Wait for the coast to be clear before attempting to escape.

Lastly, remember to come prepared with payment. For if you do not, you shall find yourself at the mercy of your enemy as they thieve your supplies away.

To the brave who are going to war on Black Friday, you are commended. May you defeat your enemies and revel in the savings. Good luck, comrades.