Ours our the shiniest of all the shiny rocks
By Chandler Walter, Distribution Manager
Elegance. Beauty. Love. Passion
That’s what you’ll find at the heart of a shiny rock from Spencer’s.
Our shiny rocks aren’t like the other guys’, because I said so, and I am a voice on the radio you’re constantly forced to listen to!
If you actually love your girlfriend, you’ll give us money, or she’ll know she means absolutely nothing to you! In fact, if you don’t buy her our products, you must actively hate her! You don’t hate your girlfriend, do you? Well then, prove it by buying a tiny shiny rock.
It is the perfect way to say “forever” and “eternity” and “we should be together until our mortal bodies decay into the sweet relief of death.”
Every woman needs a Spencer’s shiny rock, and if you aren’t going to get her one, she will—and should—find someone who will! Probably her “friend,” Lance, from the gym.
It’s the best way of desperately trying to cling to the relationship you both know is falling into ruin—a last hopeless plea of romance! Of course she will stay with you if you spend enough money on her!
Don’t worry, we know that people hate our radio commercials; in fact we constantly acknowledge it as if it was some sort of gimmick. Isn’t that hilariously fun?
Don’t forget about that holiday/anniversary that is coming up, because for the past month we’ve been reminding her that this is what a loving boyfriend/husband would get her, and that anything else means you think she’s worthless. That handwritten poem you spent hours on? Garbage! Spending money on an activity to experience together? Absolutely heartless.
Nothing compares to our shiny rocks, and our shiny rocks alone.
Remember guys, the best way to turn the girlfriend into a wife all comes down to the monetary value of the rock you present her, so go big!
Or you’ll die alone.