Standing Rock protests voted ‘worst music festival ever’ by white allies

‘It’s just really not as fun as I was expecting it to be’

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor


White allies came together this past weekend to talk about their experiences protesting the North Dakota Access Pipeline, and came to a single conclusion: The protests were the least fun music festival they’ve ever attended.

“I kind of thought it’d be like Burning Man?” said ex-protestor Tiffany Mayflower, who wore a crop top, red face paint, and some kind of feathered headdress that was intended to look “native.”

“You know, peace and love and all that shit. Tent cities! There were tents, but like, it was sooo cold. And yelling at the police was fun and all, but then they brought out like, actual beanbag guns? And pepper spray? Like, I didn’t sign up for that shit.”

“Yeah, there wasn’t a lot of food,” said another ex-protestor, Chad Henderson. “I kind of thought there’d be food trucks set up, but there wasn’t. Like, I didn’t bring any food? I didn’t think I’d have to. And the native people started getting kind of testy when we asked them for their food, and their blankets, and more tents, and heaters, and sweaters, and water, and like, aren’t they supposed to be all about sharing, or whatever? It’s not all about them.”

“I was also kind of hoping they’d like, you know, make me an honourary member of the tribe or something, for showing up?” Mayflower shrugged. “That would have been, like, so cool. I asked one of them if he could give me an ‘Indian’ name, and he was all, ‘Blah blah, my friend’s arm nearly got blasted off by a stun grenade and I need to get to her, can’t talk to you right now.’ I thought it was really rude of him.”

“Look, obviously we appreciate whatever help and support we’re given,” said one Water Protector in an exclusive interview at the camp. “But we’re having some problems with white allies coming in and treating it all like some big game, and not bothering to understand what we’re doing here, or why it’s important. They’ve started demanding resources from us with no intention of actually participating in the protest itself. Especially given the seriousness of the situation as winter sets in, we need to allocate resources as best as we can. This isn’t their vacation destination, and it certainly isn’t their home. I just wish that—”

“Yo, where’s a good place to sell this shit?” interrupted a white man wearing a Red Skins T-shirt, who then waved a bag of sativa in the Water Protector’s face. “You native people are like, super all about the green stuff, yeah? Whoa, what’s with the dirty look, man? Whatever, this place blows.”