ACTUALLY, only if you’re a man
By Carlos Bilan, Staff Writer
If you did not know already, you can now get a certification in mansplaining! Below are the details taken from the home page of mansplaining.co.edu.
How to apply
It’s really easy! All you have to do is be a man. And by that, we mean that you have to be manly, masculine, and machobravo. That is the first step, and once you have that checked you can go to step two. Click the “Apply” button at the top right of the page. There will be a form where you will be asked to put your name, date of birth, gender—yes, male is the only option, that’s not a bug so don’t worry—address, email, telephone number, credit card number, reason why you want to join, and simply hit submit. The reason we need your address and credit card number is because as soon as you sign up, you will receive a free “Proud to be a Meninist” shirt straight to your mail box. And yes, it’s free! If you see a charge from your credit card balance, that must be a feminihackerninja trying to hack your account. Just one of the reasons why we need meninism.
Three textbooks will be required for this course. The first book is Mansplaining: Why we do it. The second book is a pocket booklet titled Good phrases to use when arguing with a woman. The third textbook is Why men are always right. They are rather thick, but that’s because men should know everything.
The course is mostly done out of class hours with a monthly lecture. The homework is very simple: First, you need to know a girl (bonus points if she’s very argumentative, or even your girlfriend). Second, find the perfect opportunity to mansplain. If you don’t know what that is, allow me to demonstrate with this example:
You and your girlfriend are going out for lunch with your friends. Later during the lunch conversation, your girlfriend explains something to both of your friends. But you know she is wrong so you jump in and save the conversation by saying “ACTUALLY, it’s X and Y.” You are the man here, bro, and you know it all. Your brain is the size of your brawns. If she gets mad at you, just brush it off; she’s just being oversensitive. You know how the ladies are.
This is only one example. It does not even have to be your girlfriend! You can even do your studies in the field of academia. If a nerdy chick is trying to argue with you, prove to her that you are smarter by dropping jargon and terminologies on her that she will most likely not understand. Even if you are maybe unsure if you are right, you will sound right. The key here is to counter her arguments, which will be wrong, obviously, because she’s a woman. You can start by saying the foolproof “ACTUALLY,” then continue with “but,” “however,” “the fact is,” and many more useful phrases. Never use “in my opinion,” “I think,” or show any leniency or doubt, because you have to make her realize that she only thinks the way she does because she doesn’t know any better.
Career and higher education prospects
Most of our applicants end up getting positions in fields dominated by men. This certification also gives you the edge to pursue a degree in men’s studies, HIStory, meninism, self-defence against the feminazis, and many many more. It’s now a woman’s world out there, and this certification will help you to defend yourself from the men-hating agenda. This is just one of the many reasons why we need meninism, bros, so go sign up!