Successful, happy student baffles entire college

Undergrad is healthy, promising, and seemingly unfazed

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

Scott Whittaker is a second-year honours student in Douglas College’s Nursing program. He also works full-time at a medical clinic and volunteers at a homeless shelter. In his spare time, he enjoys basketball, soccer, and working out, as well as spending time with his girlfriend. Whittaker has been routinely described by his peers and professors as “a really great, happy guy,” much to their bafflement and frustration.

Katie Dregers, Whittaker’s girlfriend and fellow Nursing student, told the Other Press “I just don’t know how he does it. We’ve been dating for two years and it’s never gone better. He always manages to make time for me, apologizes when he doesn’t, and still devotes himself to his studies. I mean, I’ve got to take an Adderall every other day just to find enough time to get C’s and go drinking!”

James Mortimer, Whittaker’s biology professor, expressed a similar view. “At night I go home to my quiet wife and usually pass out in front of the TV after a few beers. I used to be like Scott, wanting to go into medicine. But I always had low grades and a lack of commitment. He’s got none of that! All my other students are missing classes and barely grasping the coursework, and he’s there every night totally prepared to dissect another kitten!”

Even those closest to Whittaker are unsure how he manages to stay so damn humble and happy. After repeated inquiries and a large glass of scotch, Whittaker’s local parishioner Father Ted Callahan opened up on his activities. “He was in the choir growing up—wonderful singer, by the way,” he pointed out before hiccupping. “That boy still comes to church every Sunday. He sings all the hymns, bows deep for all the prayers. He tells me he’s loving school—Scott does everything right, let me tell you. Even when he gives occasional confessions, they’re so lightweight and shit. You know what he told me? He told me how guilty he felt for not letting a stranger merge into traffic. Some people are just so damn compassionate, it makes me sick.” At this, Father Callahan took another gulp of scotch before weeping quietly.

Indeed, it appears Whittaker is an excellent student, citizen, and friend to all. Despite our best efforts, we were unable to recover a single bit of dirt or criticism of his character. Among the dozens of people interviewed that are connected to Whittaker, all of them spoke highly of his actions, many with bitter resentment or sarcasm in their voices.

After immediately responding to an inquiry email, Scott Whittaker himself spoke modestly—so freaking modestly—about his accomplishments. “Hey, I’m just a regular guy. I get a bit stressed sometimes, but I’m grateful to live such a privileged life. I’ve got a great girl, great future… I’m pretty happy.”

He was so damn friendly in his interview, it almost made this reporter feel inspired to feel better about his life. But then I remembered my car payments are due on Monday and that I’ve got two midterms coming up, and now I’m going to go cry in the shower for a while.