Groundbreaking discovery will change the world… tomorrow
By Duncan Fingarson, Senior Columnist
It’s an affliction that affects us all, causing stress and anxiety. It strikes without warning, leading to missed sleep as you rush to get that paper done at four in the morning. Yes, you had weeks. You knew this paper was due today, and yet still you left it. You have fallen victim to procrastination. Fear not, brave student, for you are not alone.
Science has recently identified seven unique and distinct stages of procrastination. The Other Press has compiled this brief summary of each stage to better assist you in recognizing when you’re procrastinating, so you can do something about it right away. Or tomorrow. I mean, you’ve got the time.
Stage 1: There is a thing you’re supposed to do. You know you’re supposed to do it. You open Word so you can get to writing. While Word is loading, you tab away and start looking at other stuff. Word remains open and untouched in the background for hours.
Stage 2: There’s still lots of time. You’ll do the thing after a few games of Hearthstone, or maybe some time spent building yet another castle in Minecraft. You know you won’t stop playing video games until the thing starts to loom uncomfortably, and yet you start playing anyways.
Stage 3: You are too busy to play video games. There are too many things you need to get done, soon. But watching YouTube doesn’t take as much time as playing games does. You can take a few minutes to watch cats playing with yarn first.
Stage 4: You are too busy to watch videos on the Internet. Stress is starting to build. That untouched Word document is sitting there on your taskbar, judging you. But, before you start, you should check to make sure none of the webcomics you follow have updated. You know you have read them already. You check anyways.
Stage 5: You really need to do the thing, but you could use a snack. You go look in the fridge. There’s nothing you can get ready quickly. You decide you aren’t hungry. Three minutes later, you’re back looking in the fridge again. You repeat this several times. This is your life now.
Stage 6: You avoid your computer, lest the Word Document become visible. You know it’s there. It haunts your thoughts. You walk in a little circle, lie face-down on the couch, and complain about how busy you are. Your distractions are gone. The thing is looming. You’re bored, but don’t want to do the work.
Stage 7: Fuck it, you’re now bored enough to play Minesweeper.