Making lemonade out of rotten lemons
By Morgan Hannah, Life & Style Editor
You’re stuck on the train, forced to rub elbows with people on either side of you as you cup your hands around your nose. You’re stuck like this because who would’ve thought that today—here of all places, you’d need a tissue. And you haven’t got one. Everyone’s attention is on you; they all heard it, that was no clean sneeze and they know it! They also know that as soon as you move those hands, a trail of snot, much like that of a snail on the forest floor, will be hanging off your fingers.
We live in a dangerous time—where coughs and sneezes could lead to full on violence from the general public. If you so much as inhale with the intent of sneezing, you’ll get a severe stink-eye from your seat neighbour on the SkyTrain these days.
But, there is a twisted advantage to these times: faking having the flu can get you in or out of a lot of places and situations! Not that you should do such a thing, but if you are looking for an excuse not to attend a particular event, get out of a test, or you want to get to the front of a line fast, this just might be your best bet. Other silver linings to the COVID-19 era are cheap fights and lower rates on buying homes!
If you love to travel but generally can’t afford tickets, this is the time to pack your bags and book your flights! All good precautions set aside, and all sights set on adventure! Just remember to pack your antibacterial wet-ones and give the plane seatbelt buckle and tray table a good wipe down before use. Additionally, window seats are your best bet for avoiding the virus—less likely to interact with people roaming the hallway.
If you’re more of a home body without a home to call your own, you can thank COVID-19 for lowering interest rates on buying homes in the most beautiful and most expensive place in Canada. Right now the Bank of Canada has slashed interest rates by 50%, resulting in an outstanding 1.25%! The last time they did this, it was a literal financial crisis! The days of being able to afford a home might be back thanks to the virus that no one thought they’d be thanking!
So, how do you successfully fake a flu? Well, with all the fear-mongering that news reporters, radio stations, and the buzz of chatter amongst the general public—it’s really not that difficult.
Step one: apply pink or red eyeshadow to your eyelids and just under the water line of your eyes for a sickly appearance.
Step two: carry tissues with you everywhere and when no one’s paying any attention, use a nasal spray to simulate snot like no one’s business. Make sure to sniffle and snort frequently.
Step three: act woozy and drowsy. Fall asleep on your desk or while walking in the hallway. It’ll do wonders for freaking out your fellow students and friends, as well as catching up on those unclaimed Z’s!
Step four: claim that much desired isolation that comes with actually being sick, or in this case, pretending to be. Pro tip: don’t abuse this very real crisis too frequently or you’ll lose your capability to actually have time off when you really need it. Also, people might be mad at you. Probably.
five: have fun, stay safe, wash your hands frequently!