Twenty-five tips to having the best school year ever

By Livia Turnbull, Post-secondary Failure

1. Show up to school wearing your finest clothing borrowed from your uncle when he went through his shock phase in college.
2. Always keep a canteen of sour milk in your backpack.
3. When you get to class, sit in the back and call people who sit at the front nerds.
4. In fact, call anybody that isn’t as cool as you a nerd.
5. When the teacher introduces themselves, yell that you didn’t need to hear their life’s story.
6. Sneak into the gym and write “Washed up by 35” on every team’s jersey. Even the curling team.
7. When caught, pretend to be the Ghost of Futures Yet to Come.
8. When nobody buys the above act, just float out the nearest window to prove that you are a ghost.
9. Get sent to the hospital with two broken legs and a possible vandalism charge.
10. Try to get the school to drop the vandalism charge by doing your best Tiny Tim impression.
11. If that fails, scream, “The school is possessed by Ebenezer Scrooge!”
12. Much, much later, when the school somehow lets you back in, set up a fun game of Indoor Pencil Lawn Darts.
13. It’s all fun and games until someone stabs one of the sprinklers with an extra sharp pencil.
14. Don’t panic when the hallway starts to flood. Instead, run out to a pet store and buy some baby piranhas.
15. Borrow a video camera from the A.V. Room and film passersby’s reactions.
16. Go home and edit your footage using Windows Movie Maker.
17. Sell the finished product to the Sy-Fy channel.
18. Watch as your movie entitled Piranha 3-D: The College Years rakes in hundreds of viewers.
19. Explain to the college that your little sprinkler mishap was just a form of artistic expression.
20. Pray that one of the Liberal Arts teachers really believes it’s artistic expression.
21. Also mention to the college that you were crowned the King of France as an infant and that you’ve got some powerful connections overseas.
22. When shot down by history, explain that they have a secret monarchy that’s only for newborn half-vampires.
23. You’re not a vampire; you’re actually a hybrid between an orc and a night elf.
24. After all, the talking pink panther wearing a tweed coat and a flat cap couldn’t have lied to you.
25. Get committed to an insane asylum and never have to worry about school or work ever again.