Underground black market created immediately after trans fats outlawed

Margarine, shortening, and many baked goods now worth thousands

By Chandler Walter, Contributor

The sweets have officially turned sour.

Immediately following Health Canada’s decision to ban trans fats throughout the country, new black markets have been at work moving foods containing the outlawed substance.

The law came into effect on Monday, September 17, with the Government of Canada ordering its military into the homes of law-abiding Canadian citizens and ripping loaves of banana bread from the arms of their loving makers.

“He came in, and he just… he just took it,” Vancouverite Laura Wilson said of what would later become known to Canadians as “The Breadening.” “I screamed, and I screamed, but he said that if I didn’t let go I would end up like my poor loaf.”

While it has not been officially confirmed, reports from anonymous insiders have told the Other Press that the government has sinister plans for all the food containing trans fats.

“They’re planning to store ’em,” our anonymous tipster said in a phone interview where the person’s voice was like, all deep and stuff so that they could hide their identity, even over the phone. “And they’re planning to eat ’em.”

If the accusations prove to be correct, it could be the biggest controversy in Canadian politics since 1981’s Night of the Long Knives, or the biggest political controversy for North America since literally whatever happened in the US last week.

Trans fat is known to “increase the risk of coronary disease,” according to “scientific” studies, but it is also known to be “super damn delicious,” according to one guy who was hanging outside a nearby 7-11.

Whether or not the foods seized by government agents have been destroyed or stored to feed the one percent remains to be seen, but what has been confirmed is that the raid did not manage to confiscate all the available trans fat in circulation. Seemingly overnight, black markets have sprung up all around the country, with criminals peddling muffins, cookies, and homemade breads at local parks, usually on weekend mornings.

These devious criminals, so bold in their dealings, have even gone so far as to set up sandwich board signs, banners, and online advertisements calling would-be buyers to their markets.

“This is, uh, this is obviously a farmers’ market,” one of the underground agents told our undercover reporter. “Yeah, we sell baked goods and stuff… I’m pretty sure that the trans fat ban was just for prepackaged goods?”

Our reporter was lucky to escape the illegal black market unscathed, though stated that he “totally didn’t mean to spend that much cash” while investigating.